There are several things that adopted families wish was public knowledge. But just as the details of how your family was formed, some details are shared and some are private. I am proud to be lucky enough to be an adoptive mom. I did not give birth to my adopted child and know every day what a gift my little one is to me and my family. And some people are curious and have questions that they would like to know the answers to because they would also like to adopt. I tend to be much more open with potentially adoptive parents than just random strangers. Then there are the morbidly curious people who, because of the media, believe every detail of everyone’s life is fair game. Really? Sigh.
Feel free to ask me anything you would ask any parent. How’s she like school? Is she a picky eater? Did she learn how to ride her bike yet? Can she swim? Does she like dogs, coloring, sidewalk chalk? If you know me reasonably well, how’s school going? But be prepared, that’s a loaded question.
So with that in mind, here are a list of questions that are not appropriate.
Please don’t tell me how “special” I am for adopting. Or that “she’s so lucky you saved her”. It is a beautiful full relationship that we both mutually benefited from. I didn’t adopt my baby to “save” her. I adopted her because I wanted to be a mom. I had grand dreams of hanging out in the kitchen with a daughter, baking cookies together, and I doubt anyone is shocked that she actually likes cookies.
How much did she cost? First things first, she’s not for sale. I promise not to ask you how much you make or what you pay in taxes or even how much your last pap smear cost.
Do you know why her birth mom gave her up? The short answer is yes, I am fortunate to have that information for her when she asks. The long answer is I know my daughters story, and haven’t even shared that information with family. I certainly have no intention on sharing it with strangers either.
“You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” Damn, I really hoped my hysterectomy fixed that option. Maybe I should run out and get on the pill.
She act’s like she’s really yours. Umm…. duhhh.
Please don’t share adoption horror stories. Odds are I’ve already heard them and they don’t apply to me in any way. My story has been amazing so far, and I prefer to share the good stories.
Don’t ask where her “real” mom is. I’m right here, and I am real. I really get up with her when shes sick in the middle of the night, and I’m really up at the crack of dawn on the weekends when I’d rather be sleeping. I really make sure she does her homework and she really has what she needs, and I really am there for her every day. I’m right here.
Have you told her shes (whisper) adopted? Yes, it’s her story. Just like my mother telling me I was born in Florida. I would never withhold such important information from my daughter. And just for the record, I’m proud to be from Florida. I hope you will let her be proud too.
Why did you adopt from another country instead of the US? There are as many reasons as there are adoptive families. I wanted to be a parent, where she was born was irrelevant to me and holds NO political motivation good, bad or indifferent. International and Domestic adoptions have fundamental differences. A lot of time, research and soul searching goes into these individual decisions. And each decision is made for individual reasons. But if you want my “political beliefs” on adoption, I believe that children without families should get families with good solid foundations and mounds of love to heap on a child. If that is a two parent heterosexual family, a two parent gay family or a single parent, they are a zillion times better off than living in the system or an orphanage.
Do the other kids treat her like thier sister? Um, yeah, she is their sister.
Wow, she’s so normal. Gee, thanks, your kids look pretty normal too.
Which one is yours? They all are.
So if you have questions, feel free to look them up, or even ask. But if you expect an answer, make sure you do it with the respect that every child/parent deserves.